Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved.  Rather than being happy times when families get together for delicious feasts in homes decorated with trees and lights, the Christmas season can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness. 

Love Does Not End With Death:

Since love does not end with death, the holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief – a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living.  Society encourages you join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year.  By being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk About Your Grief:

During the holiday season, don’t be afraid to express your feelings of grief.  Ignoring your grief won’t make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better.  Find caring friends and relatives who will listen – without judging you.  They will help make you feel understood.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits:

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued.  Your low energy level will naturally slow you down.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you.  And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress:

You may already feel stressed, so don’t overextend yourself.  Avoid isolation but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself.  Realize that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be With Supportive, Comforting People:

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holidays can increase your sense of loss and who allow you to talk openly about your feelings.  Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings – both happy and sad.

Talk About the Person Who Died:

Include the person’s name in your holiday conversation.  If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do What Is Right For You During the Holidays:

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays.  Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do.  Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.  Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is that you want to do during the holidays.  As you become aware of your needs, share them with your family and friends.

Plan Ahead For Family Gatherings:

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin.  Structure your holiday time.  This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens.  Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when feelings are already heightened.  However, as you make your plans, leave room to change them if you feel it’s appropriate.

Embrace Your Memories:

Embracing your treasure of memories is one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved.  Holidays always make you think about times past.  Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.

Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness.  If your memories bring laughter, smile.  If your memories bring sadness, then it’s alright to cry.   Memories that were made in love, no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew Your Recourses for Living:

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of life.  The death of someone loved creates opportunities for taking inventory of your life - past, present and future.  The combination of holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation.  Make the best of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express Your Faith:

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs.  Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about your beliefs.  If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. 

As you approach the holidays remember that grief is both a necessity and a privilege.  It comes as a result of giving and receiving love.  Don’t let anyone take your grief away.  Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.